What if Whole Foods is Really Whole Fibs

I just got back from a trip to Whole Foods and quite honestly, I was disgusted with the place.  It was immaculate with lots of eager help but they didn’t have asparagus! Really? It’s asparagus season! My farmstand in the Hamptons was riddled with asparagus – I couldn’t eat enough this weekend.  One would think that with all the farms surrounding this little island I live on; Whole Foods could have managed to find local fresh asparagus.

Speaking of islands I live on – I hope you watched the season finale of Long Island Medium.  I love Teresa Caputo.  There I said it.  It was quite heartfelt because the show is more about her family than it is about what she does and they really grow on you.  However, the show’s title needs to be changed to Long Island Extra Large.  Have you seen her clients? Not one of them is thin.  Maybe only overweight people feel the need to seek out the services of a medium or maybe everyone in Long Island has become overweight? That is a mystery I am going to leave as one.

Back to Whole Fibs – so I was wandering through the produce section and the selection of vegetables and fruits were almost all conventional – at least 95%.  So, I started to get frustrated and began to ask myself why I was willing to spend all this extra money (and walk two extra blocks) when I could have gotten the same thing at the corner bodega.

Don’t get me wrong, I was and hopefully can be convinced that Whole Foods is an extremely excellent enterprise.  But is it possible that they’ve outgrown themselves? I mean they are putting up a farmstand in Wainscott!! Are they crazy? Wainscott is part of East Hampton– it is surrounded by some of the best farms in the country.  I certainly hope they are going to work with the local farmers but to truck “cal-Organic” produce all the way to the Hamptons so it has a Whole Foods brand is simply beyond me.  Well, I guess East Hampton has every other upscale chain – this travesty was bound to happen sooner or later.

Another thing that is beyond me is how could Chris Martin be married to Gwyneth Paltrow?  Did she cast a magic goop spell on him? I hope you caught the performance of Coldplay on American Idol this week because it was amazing – the two of them together – not so much.

From the paltry produce section, I then proceeded to the fishmonger.  There I must say I was impressed although there were still too many foreign fish there for my liking so I chose locally caught breeds of which there were just two – another disappointment.

I was getting so upset that like Katherine McPhee (Karen Cartwright) on Smash, I had to imagine a little Bollywood song and dance number to get me to the meat section.  How good was that dream sequence? For me, it has been the best one this season.  Perhaps not as good as the last season of Roseanne where the entire season was a dream but still – there was no singing and dancing in that show.

Then I get to the meat section – with a little spring in my step from singing that tune soon to be horrified yet again.  I am not sure if you are aware of this or not but Whole Fibs grades the animals it sells on a 1 to 5 scale as to how “wholesome” it is.  Most red meat was a 1.   There were a few things that were 4.  No twos or threes.  There was some local meat so it wasn’t a total disaster and they were all 4’s.  So, what does it take to be a 5 and why mostly 1’s.  I can go to the Food Emporium for that.

As for the chicken, the highest you could get was a 3.  Is it me or is this just wrong? Aren’t we relying on them to give us the best foods? Maybe we accept their dogma and don’t question them.  I don’t know what’s going on but man was I surprised when I took the time to really check things out.  I encourage you to do the same at your local grocery store. (I have no use for the packaged goods as I don’t eat them so after that, I went to the check-out and can’t comment on that part of the store)  However, I do know one thing about the prepared foods section – they use canola oil in everything – and you know how I feel about that bitch.

Okay, Okay I haven’t made one reference to any housewife yet.  Do not miss Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding – it’s genius especially when Kim just pushes her daughter into the pool – like where did that come from? It was hysterical.

And one last shout out to my cousin whose first novel is in stores now.  I highly recommend it and the critics are calling it this year’s The Help. It’s a great and fascinating journey.  The book is called Glow.  You can check out her website www.jessicamariatuccelli.com and follow her on twitter @jmtuccelli

So, riddle me this – why can my local farmer’s market which is one block from Whole Fibs have everything that is fresh, local, seasonal and often organic and that big conglomerate can’t.  Perhaps its time Whole Foods went back to its original intent, stop opening up more stores until there is enough organic foods to go around and maybe lower their prices a bit.  Until that happens, I’ll see you at the farmer’s market.

I must leave you with my surprise moment of the week on TV.  And, I must ask if anyone else saw it coming? Who knew Micheletto was gay?  And if you don’t know who that is you aren’t getting your Showtime on!  The Borgias has been smoking this season.  Game of Thrones is so intense it is sometimes hard to watch – but I love that city, the Khaleesi as found herself in – if only she could (spoiler alert!) find her dragons.

Until next time…