Help- I Need Somebody

And it really isn’t just anybody.  Although this is something I have suspected for many years, I totally knew this past weekend that if I was ever in one of those post-apocalyptic worlds I love so much on television like, The Walking Dead or Revolution, I wish to be one of the first to go.  I don’t know how to do anything.

I can call someone to have them do it within minutes but as far as doing anything myself, forget it. Here’s when I realized this: I went to my house in the country for the first time since the summer and I walk in the backyard to let Remington out to hunt and I see a dead turkey next to the pool.  I knew I had to keep Rem away from it so I immediately looked for something to cover the bird up with – I have a million stuffing and brining recipes but this was new for me.

I found some tent like tarp in my garage – how it got there is anyone’s guess – so I threw it over the dead turkey and placed a chair over the tarp so it wouldn’t blow away and Remington wouldn’t attempt to eat the turkey. I was satisfied and the next thing I did was to pick up the phone and call my handyman, Wilson.  He thought I was crazy but I knew someone deliberately put that dead turkey there as a sign because I am having some issues with the neighbors and took this as an omen.  He ignored me as he usually does – whether that’s a language barrier or I am just another guy with rich white people problems that he doesn’t care to know about – who’s to say. He is good to me but he couldn’t come right away to pick up the turkey so I thought I had the situation under control so I said not to worry and to try to get there as soon as he could.

Speaking of turkeys, I can’t believe that The X Factor put through Freddie Combs who is a 540 pound minister who came on stage in a wheelchair because he couldn’t move.  Granted he used to be 920 pounds so I guess I have to give him props for that but honestly – is he a pop star or would he be destined to go the route of Mama Cass and Iz and choke on the food they overly consumed.

I must admit I am loving The X Factor this season.  I now know who Demi Lovato is and I like her and Britney went beyond my wildest expectations.  Whether she is scripted or not, she has been amazing so far – her psychotropic medications are keeping her well balanced – allegedly.

I think nothing further of this until I am awoken at dawn to the sounds of screeches and all sorts of insane noises I thought only occurred in the movies or upstateNew Yorkand I look out my window and see feathers flying, entrails and blood all over my yard.  This turkey was being eaten by large black birds who were fighting over it.  Remington and I shut the window and went back to bed.  I was terrified.

This is not my forte. My forte is health, nutrition, lifestyle and exercise.  I could have cooked that turkey to perfection – just ask anyone who has ever been to one of my traditional faux-giving dinners (why celebrate on a Thursday when you have more time to prepare and have it on a Friday).  I also in the past two years have completely gotten into strength training – something I never imagined myself doing especially at this age; and now love it.

I guess the whole point of this story is that I usually judge people too harshly when they say they can’t cook, or don’t have time to exercise.  Maybe they just never learned those skills and it is easier for them to pick up a phone just like it is for me whenever I am faced with a household task.  I guess we choose what to be good at in life.  But, I want to point out that my not being able to deal with this turkey will not kill me (well maybe if I were outside when those crows were all over it).  Not being able to cook, being unwilling to exercise will kill you.  It may be all relative but as Aviva said on the RHONY reunion, those aren’t phobias, I just want to stack the deck in my favor of being healthy.

Since I am sure you are all dying to know what happened next, my friend Tom came to visit who is from the South by the way and said, hand me a shovel and a plastic bag and I’ll put it in the trash.  First of all, that thought had never even occurred to me and secondly, I had to try to remember where and if I had a shovel and then after searching for it, it took him two minutes to rid my yard of dead turkey.  I felt like he was something out of Honey Boo Boo – he is now my own personal Sugar Bear. I think it’s a Southern thing.  Although, I do feel that the Honey Boo Boo thing does need to go away after they brought in the “gay” uncle poodle to teach Alana how to move.  That was gratuitous for even Southern hillbillies have gay family members.  The religious conservative right better think twice before voting this year.

So, I guess there is something that each of us feels we can’t do.  I can’t do anything physical and Luaren Manzo can’t control how she eats because she is in the “public eye.”  That was her excuse for a lap band which btw she has only lost 35 pounds with.  What is with those women of RHONJ – even the minor characters think they are something.  Lauren is not Snookie after all.  And even Snookie is good at something – giving birth.  All we can do is to try to do things we think we aren’t good at.  I may not ever want to touch a dead turkey but I did learn how to exercise consistently.  If I can make this effort, we all can.  Although I probably shouldn’t tell you the story of when I got stuck in the snow pulling into my driveway.

The best line of the RHONJ reunion so far is when Melissa turns to Teresa and asks her to shift in her seat on the couch so I don’t have to speak to your weave – I guess some things never change.

Until next time….